Shame, Indulgence, and the Power of Beginning Again
September has been a whirlwind—a messy, tangled, beautiful, and painful month that, if I’m being completely honest, has felt more like a wrestle with myself than anything else. It’s been a tug-of-war between indulgence and demise, between escape and presence, between pleasure and shame.
Leading up to my 35th birthday, I was supposed to celebrate with a pool party. Just two weeks before, I had traveled to Boise for my sister-in-law’s wedding. That trip became the gateway to my own “pleasure spiral.” By pleasure, I mean indulgence in all things: brown sugar shaken espressos instead of my usual black coffee, fried cauliflower, fries, chips, pizza, IPAs, and wine. Movement? Nonexistent. The only thing I somehow managed to keep up with was my daily sadhana kriya practice—which has become my non-negotiable anchor, the single thread keeping me tethered to reality.
But everything else unraveled.
My digestion was wrecked—churning, bloated, gassy, heavy, sluggish. I felt puffy, tired, and disconnected from myself. Coming home to Omaha, with only two weeks before my birthday pool party, I looked in the mirror and thought, I am not ready for this. That thought quickly spiraled into shame. Suddenly, I was grasping for unhealthy quick fixes—fasting, restriction, self-punishment. And then, of course, came the nightly binges, hiding in the pantry with food in my hands and shame in my heart.
When hand-foot-mouth hit my baby, we stayed home together for a week. I kept up my kriya, but any other form of movement completely stopped. Calories in, none out. My pool party ended up canceled due to bad weather (and germs), and my coping mechanism? More food.
This isn’t the first time. I’ve battled eating disorders my entire life. And maybe people look at me—health counselor, yoga teacher—and assume I “have it all together.” But the truth? I wave just like you do. Right now, I’m in the valley. My vitality, my radiance, my spark feel far away, and it’s overwhelming. And when things feel overwhelming, I shut down. This past month, I shut down completely.
Grief has only added layers to the spiral. When my grandmother passed in August 2024, I leaned too heavily on substances to cope, and I quit because I could see myself unraveling. When my grandfather passed in March 2025, I reached for substances again, but I caught myself sooner. Progress. Still, the pull toward escape is always there.
This spiral, though, wasn’t sparked by grief. It was sparked by indulgence. August 13 until just a few days ago, I was in a dark tunnel—escaping, indulging, overeating, hating myself, feeling bloated and stuck, but unable to stop.
And yet, life also gave me beauty. Blake and I escaped to Phoenix, just the two of us, for the first time in two years. We stayed at a gorgeous resort, sipped delicious drinks, savored meals, lounged in a poolside cabana with mountains as our view. It was dreamy, romantic, alive. Ayurveda teaches us the 80/20 principle: 80% of the time, live aligned; 20% of the time, indulge and enjoy. And in Phoenix, I gave myself permission to fully enjoy. But when I returned home, I didn’t stop.
Maybe it’s the eclipse season—Virgo’s discipline in opposition to Pisces’ dreaminess. Instead of embodying Virgo, I embodied Pisces. I floated in a haze for two weeks, hiding, numbing, cocooning myself with my babies. I gained over 10 pounds. My clothes were tight. I didn’t feel sexy. I didn’t feel powerful. I just… shut down.
But maybe this shutting down, this cocooning, was necessary. Maybe I needed to completely fall apart to rebuild. Like the caterpillar dissolving into goo before becoming a butterfly. Like the seed exploding before it takes root and blooms.
And then came the turning point.
On Sunday’s Solar Eclipse New Moon, I made a powerful intention: to balance, harmonize, and clear out the ama—the toxins—I had accumulated through my choices. The very next day was the Fall Equinox, the start of Libra season—the sign of balance, of scales. It was also the beginning of Navaratri, a festival honoring the goddess in three forms, the first being Durga, the fierce warrior who slays attachments. Could there be a more perfect cosmic alignment for me to rise?
I don’t think so.
So here I am, beginning again. I share this not because I have it all figured out, but because maybe you’ve been here too. Maybe you resonate with the escape, the shame, the indulgence, the hiding, the shutting down. And maybe, just maybe, you’re ready to rise with me.
That’s why I’m inviting you into something sacred:
The 14-Day Autumn Cleanse Ritual
October 1–14
A cleanse steeped in ancient wisdom, adapted for modern life. A ritual to purify, reset, awaken, and return to your radiance—body, mind, and spirit.
I’ve been leading this cleanse for over a decade. It’s been refined, updated, and infused with my whole heart. This isn’t about punishment or deprivation. It’s about clearing out, creating space, and stepping back into your power.
If the dates don’t align, you can still do this cleanse self-guided, with my support always at your fingertips. But if you can, I encourage you to join the group experience. It’s powerful to walk this road back to ourselves together.
👉 First Time Cleaner $100: Click here for all the details and to sign up.
👉 Returning Cleanser $50: Click here to join the group.
Because here’s the truth:
You are worth it. You always have been.
Let’s rise together.
